| | Life is so confusing. I feel like a yo-yo, acting like a kid one day and forced to think like an adult the next. Where has college gone? My grades have come back and I had the best semester of my college career so far and I only have one left. I am terrified of the real world and being forced to become a part of it. I want to be in school for the rest of my life. I love learning, talking, and thinking. But then again, I'd love to go back home and get a little apartment with my best friend and just LIVE. Ok ok, mostly I just want her dog cuz he is fucking adorable.
I also miss the innocence of the early teen years. The days of sneaking hugs and holding hands between classes. The thrill of just being able to be close to the person that was special to you, feeling like a rebel when you talked on the phone after your parents went to bed. Back before everything was so complicated with sex. I'm not sure that I would trade it though, for the sensuality and maturity of relationships now. To me at least it seems as if there is more trust and loyalty in relationships, when people say "I love you" they mean it and not only do they mean it, but that meaning has a depth that most young teens just don't understand.
I used to long to be in a relationship whenever I was not in one, I was far too insecure with myself for a very long time. I am thankful every day for the friends that I have that have helped me truly become myself and enjoy my senior year of college ridiculously. I may not have had the best grades, the wildest nights out, or the hottest hookups, but I don't really regret a single thing about these past 3 years.
Maybe a Marilyn Monroe quote would fit in good here :
"I'm pretty, but I'm not beautiful. I sin, but I'm not the devil. I'm good, but I'm not an angel"
It has never been my wish to be the extreme of anything. I don't want to be the nicest, craziest, or smartest. Ok maybe the smartest but whatever. I have said and done bad things but I have also done wonderful things that you may not ever know about. I try not to advertise myself. I cry too easily when people are mean and I'll never be the bitchy girl. Sometimes I feel like I am so many different people at once that even I don't really know who I am but that's ok because its gonna be figured out eventually. So if you're reading this, don't presume that you know me or think that you have me all figured out. You're wrong. There are precious few people in this world that know me truly, I count them among my best friends and its not been an easy journey. Things are complicated.
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| | Posted 12/20/2007 3:08 AM - 49 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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